Historian Arnold Toynbee once wrote, "There are always two parties to a death; the person who dies and the survivors who are bereaved." Unfortunately, many survivors of suicide suffer alone and in silence. The silence that surrounds them often complicates the healing that comes from being encouraged to mourn.

Because of the social stigma surrounding suicide, survivors feel the pain of the loss, yet may not know how, or where, or if, they should express it. Yet, the only way to heal is to mourn. Just like other bereaved persons grieving the loss of someone loved, suicide survivors need to talk, to cry, sometimes to scream, in order to heal.

As a result of fear and misunderstanding, survivors of suicide deaths are often left with a feeling of abandonment at a time when they desperately need unconditional support and understanding. Without a doubt, suicide survivors suffer in a variety of ways: one, because they need to mourn the loss of someone who has died; two, because they have experienced a sudden, typically unexpected traumatic death; and three, because they are often shunned by a society unwilling to enter into the pain of their grief.

How Can You Help?
A friend or family member has experienced the death of someone loved from suicide. You want to help, but you are not sure how to go about it. This page will guide you in ways to turn your cares and concerns into positive action.

Accept The Intensity Of The Grief
Grief following a suicide is always complex. Survivors don't "get over it." Instead, with support and understanding they can come to reconcile themselves to its reality. Don't be surprised by the intensity of their feelings. Sometimes, when they least suspect it, they may be overwhelmed by feelings of grief. Accept that survivors may be struggling with explosive emotions, guilt, fear and shame, well beyond the limits experienced in other types of deaths. Be patient, compassionate and understanding.

Listen With Your Heart
Assisting suicide survivors means you must break down the terribly costly silence. Helping begins with your ability to be an active listener. Your physical presence and desire to listen without judgment are critical helping tools. Willingness to listen is the best way to offer help to someone who needs to talk.

Thoughts and feelings inside the survivor may be frightening and difficult to acknowledge. Don't worry so much about what you will say. Just concentrate on the words that are being shared with you.

Your friend may relate the same story about the death over and over again. Listen attentively each time. Realize this repetition is part of your friend's healing process. Simply listen and understand. And, remember, you don't have to have the answer.

Avoid Simplistic Explanations and Clichés
Words, particularly clichés, can be extremely painful for a suicide survivor. Clichés are trite comments often intended to diminish the loss by providing simple solutions to difficult realities. Comments like, "You are holding up so well," "Time will heal all wounds," "Think of what you still have to be thankful for" or "You have to be strong for others" are not constructive. Instead, they hurt and make a friend's journey through grief more difficult.

Be certain to avoid passing judgment or providing simplistic explanations of the suicide. Don't make the mistake of saying the person who suicided was "out of his or her mind." Informing a survivor that someone they loved was "crazy or insane" typically only complicates the situation. Suicide survivors need help in coming to their own search for understanding of what has happened. In the end, their personal search for meaning and understanding of the death is what is really important.

Be Compassionate
Give your friend permission to express his or her feelings without fear of criticism. Learn from your friend. Don't instruct or set explanations about how he or she should respond. Never say "I know just how you feel." You don't. Think about your helping role as someone who "walks with," not "behind" or "in front of" the one who is bereaved.

Familiarize yourself with the wide spectrum of emotions that many survivors of suicide experience. Allow your friend to experience all the hurt, sorrow and pain that he or she is feeling at the time. And recognize tears are a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with the loss.

Respect The Need To Grieve
Often ignored in their grief are the parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, spouses and children of persons who have suicided. Why? Because of the nature of the death, it is sometimes kept a secret. If the death cannot be talked about openly, the wounds of grief will go unhealed.

As a caring friend, you may be the only one willing to be with the survivors. Your physical presence and permissive listening create a foundation for the healing process. Allow the survivors to talk, but don't push them. Sometimes you may get a cue to back off and wait. If you get a signal that this is what is needed, let them know you are ready to listen if, and when, they want to share their thoughts and feelings.

Understand The Uniqueness Of Suicide Grief
Keep in mind that the grief of suicide survivors is unique. No one will respond to the death of someone loved in exactly the same way. While it may be possible to talk about similar phases shared by survivors, everyone is different and shaped by experiences in his or her life.

Because the grief experience is unique, be patient. The process of grief takes a long time, so allow your friend to process the grief at his or her own pace. Don't criticize what is inappropriate behavior. Remember the death of someone to suicide is a shattering experience. As a result of this death, your friend's life is under reconstruction.

Be Aware Of Holidays And Anniversaries
Survivors of suicide may have a difficult time during special occasions like holidays and anniversaries. These events emphasize the absence of the person who has died. Respect the pain as a natural expression of the grief process. Learn from it. And, most importantly, never try to take the hurt away.

Use the name of the person who has died when talking to survivors. Hearing the name can be comforting and it confirms that you have not forgotten this important person who was so much a part of their lives.

Be Aware Of Support Groups
Support groups are one of the best ways to help survivors of suicide. In a group, survivors can connect with other people who share the commonality of the experience. They are allowed and encouraged to tell their stories as much, and as often, as they like. You may be able to help survivors locate such a group. This practical effort on your part will be appreciated. (See Directory of SOS Support Groups on main page)

Respect Faith And Spirituality
If you allow them, a survivor will "teach you" about their feelings regarding faith and spirituality. If faith is part of their lives, let them express it in ways that seem appropriate. If they are mad at God, encourage them to talk about it. Remember, having anger at God speaks of having a relationship with God. Don't be a judge, be a loving friend.

Survivors may also need to explore how religion may have complicated their grief. They may have been taught that persons who take their own lives are doomed to hell. Your task is not to explain theology, but to listen and learn. Whatever the situation, your presence and desire to listen without judging are critical helping tools.

Work Together As Helpers
Friends and family who experience the death of someone to suicide must no longer suffer alone and in silence. As helpers, you need to join with other caring persons to provide support and acceptance for survivors who need to grieve in healthy ways.

To experience grief is the result of having loved. Suicide survivors must be guaranteed this necessity. While the above guidelines on this page will be helpful, it is important to recognize that helping a suicide survivor heal will not be an easy task. You may have to give more concern, time and love than you ever knew you had. But this effort will be more than worth it.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing thanatologist. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine.
As a leading authority in the field of thanatology, Dr. Wolfelt is known internationally for his outstanding work in the areas of adult and childhood grief. Among his publications are the books, Death and Grief; A Guide For Clergy, Helping Children Cope With Grief and Interpersonal Skills Training: A Handbook for Funeral Home Staffs. In addition, he is the editor of the "Children and Grief" department of Bereavement magazine and is a regular contributor to the journal Thanatos.

by: survivors of suicide

 Suicide Survivors: How the Clergy  can Help You or Hurt You


One person that you may look to in your time of pain after a suicide is a member of the clergy. And whether you call that person a pastor, a minister, a priest, or anything else, he or she may be crucial to you for spiritual support. (For the sake of simplicity, in this article I will use the word “minister” to cover all of these clergy members.)

Now, sometimes a minister will come through in ways that are wonderful, reaching out to help in every way possible in your time of need. So, thank God that there are many GREAT ministers out there. And I hope that you find one. Or two. Or ten.

Praying with your minister can be a way to help yourself heal.

And discussing POSITIVE scriptures can give you additional comfort and guidance.

Also, your minister may turn out to be one of your most important counselors.

A great minister can be invaluable in your time of pain. Period.

But, you may encounter a minister who is VERY insensitive about suicide and VERY inaccurate about Biblical references and Biblical interpreations about suicide.

Hard to believe. But true.

I have been to funerals for angels who died by suicide when ministers have rambled on and on about suicide being a “sin.” And in spite of that horrible, unforgivable “sin” of suicide, they contend that there may still be “hope” that the person who died by suicide may actually go to Heaven!

My God, that sounds like HATE speech to me. How could any man or woman of God even THINK like that, let alone spew such ignorance during the funeral of an angel?

Hard to believe, indeed.

And I have spoken with countless suicide survivors who have been deeply hurt by comments that ministers have made.

Keep in mind that much of this is a carry over from the outdated and sickeningly inaccurate views about suicide that some ministers held as GOSPEL in the past. And let us not forget that many churches would not even perform a funeral for someone who died by suicide because the “sin” of suicide was so grievous and unforgivable.

And the “suicide is a sin” mantra was repeated in many churches like the refrain of a bad song, over and over.

So there is some ugly history to contend with. Fortunately, we are making progress, but the “suicide is a sin” mentality is still extant for many.

So, be careful.

Do not hesitate to reach out for spiritual help or counseling from your minister, but, again, be careful. And if he or she says something that does not sound right or is insensitive, do not be afraid to speak up, or to FIND A NEW MINISTER.

When you are in extreme pain after a suicide, do not let ANYONE mistreat you in any way, either physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.

And for the few ministers out there who STILL do not understand the BASICS about suicide, let me respectfully proffer some important FACTS:

Suicide is not a sin. It has never been a sin, and it will never be a sin.

One more time: Suicide IS NOT a sin.

People who die by suicide are angels.

The angels who we lose to suicide were almost all suffering from a mental illness at the time of their death. They did not choose this illness.

Depression is the number one cause for suicide.

People who are mentally ill DO NOT think clearly and oftentimes believe that they MUST die by suicide in order to end their pain.

People who die by suicide thus DO NOT want to die, they want to STOP THEIR PAIN.

God has GREAT COMPASSION AND LOVE for those who are in pain, and for those who die by suicide.

For the ministers that understand all of the above facts (and there are MANY of them), God bless you. And thank you for showing the love, understanding, caring, and acceptance that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ would have shown to ALL suicide survivors and suicide angles if he were among us today.

We ALL need to work together to show love and support to suicide survivors; and to provide them with the spiritual help and support that they DESERVE.


by: Kevin Caruso

http://suicide.org